Attached....

Today is Cycle Day 28.... meaning, that I am hoping against hopes that my period doesn't mysteriously show up. Stupid, maybe. But, although I am hopeful, I am not at all at ease with the idea of being pregnant. Scared? Yes. Concerned? Absolutely.

With every cramp, twinge, pain - I lose faith that this will be "the one". Yes, I am paranoid. I want to protect my heart from being shattered again. I am already attached, as much as I know I should not be. When is the "safe point"? 12 weeks? 1/2 way? After we come home from the hospital?

Loss can happen at any of these times, even afterwards, it's enough to make you crazy. When did I feel we were going home with a baby with Travis? I think the day I was induced. I felt the that there was no way I was leaving without him that day.

I am SO getting a doppler again. At least I will have an idea, like last time, and HOPEFULLY won't be so freaked out. I mean, I had a baby after a miscarriage, just like millions of women do.... most likely everything will be fine. Or, is that naive?

I don't want to be attached yet, just in case. But I don't want to be so cynical that I can't enjoy this time at all. Sigh.